


Feel

by beoms_daydream



Series: Soogyu : Senses [1]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff, Gay, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, Kissing, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Relationship(s), very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:28:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28353213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beoms_daydream/pseuds/beoms_daydream
Summary: Beomgyu wanted to feel loved.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin, Huening Kai/Kang Taehyun
Series: Soogyu : Senses [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2076390
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. I want to feel

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is actually a fic that I posted to wattpad over a year ago, but I've decided to make changes and publish it here instead. So ya'll are getting the revised version. I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> Trigger warnings ( TW // ) will come before its respective chapter.

_I want to feel._

_It’s been a while since I last felt something._

_I don’t know if I’ve necessarily been longing for this…_

_But I suddenly have the urge._

_The urge to feel._


	2. High School - Year 1

"Soobin hyunggg!" The boy calls out from across the hall.

"Choi Beomgyu." His English teacher interrupts. "What did I say about yelling in the halls?" He crosses his arms.

"S-sorry Mr. Joon." Beomgyu nervously chuckles.

He should technically be calling him Mr. Kim, but he's a friend-like teacher to the students so he doesn't really mind. And plus, he's not the only Mr. Kim in the school, so it avoids confusion.

"Get lost kid." He shoo's the boy away with a light chuckle.

By the time Beomgyu turns back around, Soobin's tall figure is now lost in the crowd of students.

"Ughhh." He groans and leans against a random locker.

"Move." A voice next to him speaks. He looks to the side to see his best friend, Taehyun.

"Oh hey Taehyun!'

"Hey. Can I get to my locker?"

Beomgyu moves as per his request.

"Hey! You should be a bit more nice to me, I'm your hyung you know."

He begins putting in his combination.

"That'd be hard to believe but yeah, I guess you're right." He opens his locker. "So I saw you chasing after Soobin, _hyung._ Is the time finally coming for you to confess or are you too scared?" Taehyun was just teasing him now.

"H-hey! That's not your business!" Beomgyu protests. He began to feel warmth creep on his cheeks.

"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, hm?" he shorter teases.

"I...I..." He's got nothing. "I'm not walking home with you today!" Beomgyu settles on that and stuck out his tongue before dashing the opposite direction.

"Stop running in the halls Choi Beomgyu!" His science teacher, Mr. Min yells from behind.

\-----

Their recess was almost over and the boy still had no success finding Soobin.

It's nearing the end of the school year which means that it's 80+ degrees every single day. Unfortunately, the school doesn't have air conditioning so the boy found no point in staying inside.

He walks up a few steps on the bleachers of the schools football field, laying his body across an empty spot.

He closes his eyes, taking in the warmth of the golden sun.

"hey." A slightly deeper voice speaks near him.

He open his eyes to his very tall best friend, creating shade over him.

"Hey Soobin hyung." The younger sits up. Soobin sits next to him.

"What're doing out here by yourself? It's hot as hell out here." He states, squinting from the brightness of the sun.

"It's not like it's any cooler in the school." Beomgyu insists. "And I was also calling for you in the hallway earlier but then Mr. Joon scolded me for yelling. And I pretty much lost you after that. The boy chuckles.

"And you didn't text me because...?"

"Phone is dead. But I ended here anyway so it's fine." He states happily.

"You know I've never met someone so enthusiastic to sit in hot weather like this without a problem." Soobin chuckles.

"why complain about weather when there's so many things to appreciate about it? The sun provides vitamin C and D which your body naturally needs to survive, and the sun is only out for so long. It gives you fun activities you do like going to the beach, going to the pool, going to the park, selling lemonade, going- hey are you even listening?"

Beomgyu could have sworn he saw Soobin steal a glance at his lips but that could also just be his delusional teenage mind.

"Oh! Uh, yeah ahaha. I thought you had something on your face" He smiles.

"So you're calling me ugly?" The younger exaggerates.

"No, you numb nut!" Soobin laughs and playfully punches his shoulder. "There was something sparkly that distracted me."

_Sparkly? Maybe a piece of glitter?_

He dusts his face off with his hands. "Is it gone?" Beomgyu asks, pointing to his face.

Soobin looks down and chuckles to himself.

_I seriously don't understand what's so funny._

"Why are you laughing?" He pouts.

He looks back up at the younger boy.

"Oh nothing, just leave it, it's pretty." Soobin says and smiles.

There's a comfortable silence left between the two.

Hey sooo...are you doing anything after school today?" Beomgyu didn't know where this sudden confidence to ask this question came from.

Soobin's mouth makes an "o" shape. "I'm actually meeting up with my hyung today. Why, did you want to hang out?"

"No! No, I mean...yeah I'd love to hang out with you but Taehyun and I actually have plans ahaha, I was just asking." He mentally face palms himself.

Truth is, he didn't have plans. Taehyun has study group after school today. He just didn't want to seem lame and desperate.

Beomgyu checks the time on his watch.

_1:50 pm_

"we only have 10 minutes left, we should start heading back inside, right?" He suggests.

"yeah lets go." Soobin stands up and holds out a hand for him which he happily takes.

When they both stood up, the older suddenly picked Beomgyu up, and lifted him on his back. "Ah!" Beomgyu speaks before the two start laughing.

They often pretend like they're in a relationship just to be funny. It's a nice gag to have...but Beomgyu sometimes wish they didn't pretend. He always wondered if Soobin felt the same way.

They got to the entrance and Soobin finally puts him down.

"Thank you very much my Prince Charming." Beomgyu bows.

"Don't be gross." Soobin cringes. They both chuckle.

"Well I have to get to class. Hugs!" Beomgyu requests as he reaches his arms out.

Beomgyu stands on his tippy toes (due to their slight, yet noticeable height difference) wrapping his ams around Soobin's as the older pulls him close.

They pull away and Soobin leaves his hands on the youngers shoulders.

"By the way...I hope you don't make fake plans for tomorrow too. I'd like to hang out." He says and grins.

"H-hey! I so _too_ have real plans!" Beomgyu protests.

Soobin bends down and pecks his cheek. "Sure Beomgyu." He chuckles. "Later."

He waves and walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm in the middle of a move so I'll try to upload the next chapter tomorrow while on the road. Thanks for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Next Day...
> 
> TW // Mention of death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I know it's been a while since I last updated (like I said in the notes of the last chapter, I was moving) but I'm back! Before you read I just wanted to let you all know that in the comments of the last chapter, I replied with some context regarding the trigger warnings tagged in this story (please refer to it). I don't want to spoil future events, but I understand that the readers need to be comfortable. It's not that this story will contain loads of angst, it's just that a lot of things that will be mentioned DO need trigger warnings. With that being said, I hope that this could be somewhat relatable for the readers. If you do not think you can handle what's listed in the tags, I, with the utmost respect, ask you not to read.
> 
> Okay, sorry for the long note lol. I hope you enjoy the chapter :)

**Period 7: AP Creative Writing**

  
"-and it made me wonder why that couldn't be me. The sun is just a universally adored ball of gas that stays afloat for 12 hours a day for us. But what about the stars? They may be tiny, but they hold huge significance just like the sun. It's just that...they get confused and lost sometimes among all the others at night. But somehow..."

Beomgyu looks up from his paper, making eye contact with with Taehyun.

"The sun manages to keep everything under control after those twelve hours pass." His friend makes a disgusted face.

_Screw him._

Beomgyu let out a relieved sigh, taking in the silence from the classroom.

"Thank you." He bows to the class.

One student starts to clap.

And then another,

And another.

Soon the silence is filled with the crackling of clapping hands from other students in the room.

"That was excellent Beomgyu." Mr. Kim smiles as he stands up from his desk. 

_(This is a different Mr. Kim, not the one who teaches English. This one likes to go by "Mr. Worldwide Handsome")_

"thank you Mr. Kim." Beomgyu bows and hands the teacher his paper.

"No, thank _you_. Go ahead and have a seat so I can wrap up the class."

The boy nods as he walks back to his seat, right next to Taehyun.

"Beomgyu, you're whipped." Is the first thing Taehyun says.

"Am not!" The other complains, feeling his cheeks tingle.

"Hyung, you indirectly dedicated your whole narrative to Choi Soobin. That sounds like a whipped boy to me." He laughs.

"Whatever." Beomgyu rolls his eyes.

"Okay class," Mr. Kim grasps everyone's attention. "That is an example of how to perfectly complete a narrative based on using personification. Beomgyu included sensory details, and of course, narration to describe his feelings about this person or thing he was talking about. He was clearly comparing _me_ to the sun, so thank you very much for that Beomgyu." He smiles at the younger.

The class groans and cringes in disgust.

_That's Mr. Kim for you._

"Settle down, settle down you tasteless children. Thank you again Beomgyu for ending the class with such a beautiful and poetic narrative. There's only 2 minutes left of class, so you're all free to do whatever." He goes back to his desk.

Beomgyu turns back to Taehyun.

"I'm seriously so tired." He complains and leans on Taehyuns shoulder. (Though he quickly pushed him off)

"I'm sure you are, you're gushing over your fantasies with Soobin in your head." He says and chuckles. "Are you doing anything after school? We should order delivery and have a sleepover or something."  
  
The olders plans for later suddenly came to his mind, making him cheese a shy smile and look down.

"I'm actually busy." Beomgyu says shyly.

"Why are you blush- wait...did Soobin ask you out?" Taehyun asks a little louder than the older had desired.

Beomgyu quickly slaps a hand over his mouth.

"Shhhh! The whole class doesn't need to know!" He aggressively whispers.

He removes his hand from Taehyun's mouth.

"So you _are_ going out with him, right?" He whispers.

"No, not as in a 'date'. He just told me not to make plans for today because he wanted to do something after school. I have no clue what we're doing though." Beomgyu takes a sip from his water bottle that he had brought to class.

"He's probably gonna ask you out.""

He chokes on his water.

"What the hell Taehyun!?" He wipes his mouth with the side of his hand.

"What? He's clearly been flirting with you ever since 7th grade but you weren't allowed to date in middle school, remember? It only makes sense that he'll ask you during your freshman year."

Taehyun, how many times do I have to tell you? Soobin. Does. Not. Like. Me. He's just a friendly person."

"A friendly person who's in love with Choi Beomgyu but the said person is completely oblivious to it."

"Listen here-" He points a finger at Taehyun.

But then the bell rings.

"Class dismissed!" Mr. Kim yells.

Taehyun grabs his backpack and stands up.

"Have fun on your date." He evily smirks before walking out.

"It's not a date!" Beomgyu defends, though Taehyun had already left the room with the crowd of students.

He defeatedly sighs as he grabs his things and leaves the room.

\----- **Trigger Warning / Mention of death**

The boy goes to the courtyard, where Soobin had texted him to meet him at. He finds a bench to sit on while he waits.

Beomgyu had always kinda liked Soobin. He may be awkward and shy at times, but the kind of Soobin _he_ knows is the Soobin who is unintentionally funny. The Soobin who makes fun of his height. The Soobin who is comfortable telling him anything. The Soobin who never gets tired of listening to him. That's the Soobin he likes.

But the boy remembered that they were still young.

He's probably just a stupid crush that he'll get over after high school.

He's never gotten his hopes up too high because he wasn't sure of what the older thought of him. Does he even like him in that way?

Beomgyu hadn't been loved by someone in a long time. His mother died of breast cancer when he was 10. She was like his best friend. Now he's stuck with his alcoholic step dad.

He's scared. He's scared to lose another person. He doesn't want one of his bestfriends to leave his life because he was some hormonal freshman who wanted a boyfriend so badly. That's why he tries not to accept it when Taehyun tells him that he and Soobin have potential. He's scared of being hurt...being left alone again.

But somehow...

"Hey." Soobin cuts his thoughts.

"O-oh hey." He stands up and gives him a hug.

"You ready to go?" He asks.

"Not so sure where you're taking me, but yeah. Totally." They both chuckle.

_When I'm with him, I don't feel so alone._


	4. High School - Year 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sophomore year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm nothing much to say before this chapter. Just know that they're now sophomores and things are changing :)

"Literally, kill me." Beomgyu plops his books down and sits across the lunch table from Taehyun.

"Trust me, I would if I could." He says and chuckles.

The older just glares at him.

"What's got you in a pissy mood today?" The other asks, eating a strawberry.

"What's got me in a pissy mood you ask? It's just that Mr. Min failed me on my chem test because he thought I was cheating." He rants.

"Well...what did you do to make him think that?"

"You wanna know what I did? I dropped a pencil. I dropped my fucking pencil. When I went to pick it up, he told me that I was using that as a 'slick way to look at someone else's paper.' I hate chemistry."

"Damn, science used to be your thing, what happened?" Taehyun chuckles.

Beomgyu rests his head on the table. Soon after, Soobin walks up to their table.

"Hey Taehyun. Hey babe." He pecks Beomgyu's cheek before sitting down next to him.

So that day after school...let's just say it ended with Beomgyu squealing like a teenage girl with his best friend because his crush had just asked him out AND kissed him on the same day. Pretty wild if you asked Beomgyu.

"Uh oh, what happened this time?" Soobin asks, noticing his boyfriend's mood.

"Min failed him on his chemistry test because he thought he was trying to cheat when he actually just dropped his pencil." Taehyun explains.

"Aww don't be upset babe-"

"How? He gave me a zero. Z-E-R-O. ZERO.Want me to say it in Spanish?" Beomgyu snaps at him.

Taehyun sips his coffee as he laughs at the two.

"Gyu, please just calm down and hear me out. You're literally one of the only students in this school who thinks chemistry is easy, and your grade has never dropped below an A in that class. A zero won't end your life. At the very most, your grade will drop down to a B which is still a very good grade for such a difficult class. Soobin explains.

Yeahhh no.

"No Soobin, you don't understand-"

Taehyun spots a flyer across the cafeteria for a club that he may be interested in. He uses that as a reason to excuse himself.

"Hey guys I'm gonna go find something else to do with my life." Taehyun says as he gets up, clearly getting tired of watching them argue.

"Okay, have fun." Beomgyu says.

"Bye Tae." Soobin waves.

"Back to what I was saying, I can't settle on a B babe, I really can't...it has to be an A, I won't accept having A's in all my classes and then having a B in one!" Beomgyu aggressively runs his hands through his hair out of frustration as tears start to fill his eyes.

"No baby, don't cry..." Soobin says empathetically. He removes his hands from his hair and holds them. "Don't be so harsh with your hair, I don't want you to hurt yourself." He strokes one of Beomgyu's hands with his thumb. "Look at me." He instructs. "I understand that you want to keep your streak of straight A's in all of your classes. But I need you to see that things won't always be perfect, and that mistakes happen. In this case, it wasn't even your mistake. I think you should talk to Mr. Min and try to come to a compromise. See if he'll let you do a retake."

Soobin wipes a tear that had fallen down his face, and places a kiss on his lips.

"Just calm down, everything will be okay." He says, giving Beomgyu his smile that he loved to see. "Can you smile please? For me?" Soobin gives Beomgyu puppy eyes.

Though it's a weak smile, it's still something to worry Soobin less.

Beomgyu doesn't like to talk about his issues to avoid being a burden. However, in times where he does vent, it's always Taehyun or Soobin who hears it. He makes sure to always thank them for that.

"Thanks babe." He says and gives him a genuine smile.

"It's gonna be all good," Soobin says and throws his arm around Beomgyu's shoulder pulling him closer. "Have you eaten yet? Do you want me to buy you lunch?" Soobin asks.

"No, I haven't had lunch yet. But it's fine, I-"

"baby don't even worry about it, what do you want to eat?"

The younger chuckles at his cuteness. "You already know what I want."

_I literally get the same thing every day. A turkey wrap with NO tomatoes._

"You're right, I'll be right back." He says before he walks toward the sandwich bar.

"Remember to ask them to remove the tomatoes!" Beomgyu yells.

"I know babe!" He yells back.

Soobin is normally a really nice and caring person. But he's been extra nice lately because he got his wisdom teeth taken out 2 weeks ago and had to miss a week of school. Every day after school that week, Beomgyu went to his house to bring him Italian ice.

Soobin's parents work a lot, so they weren't able to take care of him all day.

It was really saddening for Beomgyu to see him in so much pain. His gums were so sensitive, and he lost at least 4 pounds that week because it was so hard for him to eat.

Beomgyu tried his best to take care of him but he recovered nicely. So Soobin's returning the favor to him now even though Beomgyu told him not to.

Sooner than he could blink, Soobin was back with their food.

"Here's your food my little Gyu." He sets Beomgyu's turkey wrap in front of him. "I also bought you this. He sets a bottle of plum juice next to the wrap.

"Awww how considerate, thank you my love." Beomgyu teases.

They both chuckle and he sits back down in his original spot as he begins to eat the sandwich he got.

"So besides chemistry, how's your day been so far?" He asks.

"Um not bad. Kinda had a rough start at home this morning but everything is okay." Beomgyu answers.

"Is everything okay at home?" Soobin asks with worry on his face.

Soobin knows about how Beomgyu's step father is an alcoholic. He knows that he lost his mom. But he doesn't know about how his step father is abusive to him sometimes...it would worry him too much. Beomgyu didn't want to worry him.

**TW // Attempted Abuse**

_7:33 am_

_"Where do you think you're going?"_

_"To school." I answer._

_"Don't get smart with me boy!"_

_He walks closer to the front door to where I'm at._

_"You've been drinking all night. Leave me alone." I say, backing away as he walks closer._

_"You don't tell me what to do kid!" He's about to throw a punch at me before a knock on the door interrupts the scene._

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

_"Beomgyu are you ready? I've been waiting out here for five minutes." Taehyun says through the door._

_Instead, he pokes my shoulder and speaks. "This isn't over, punk." He pushes me against the wall, temporarily knocking some breath out of me._

_I glance at my step father one last time before grabbing my bag and speed walking out the front door._

**Present Time**

"Is everything okay at home?"

Beomgyu hesitates for a second.

"Uh, yeah." He fake chuckles. "I just woke up a little late this morning so my step dad yelled at me, that's all."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Soobin asks worriedly.

"Of course not babe."

A straight lie.

Beomgyu pecks his lips.

"You have nothing to worry about." He says, to ease his concern.

_I can't burden him with my own problems._

**After School**

"Taehyunnn, are you almost done writing your part?" Beomgyu groans.

"Don't rush me, I'm almost done."

They were currently working on a literature project back at Taehyun's house, and Tae said that he's 'almost done' about 5 times already.

"You've been saying that every ten minu-"

He hands his papers to Beomgyu.

"They're done."

"Finally!" He takes the papers and begins reading through them.

:Whoa...this is awesome!"

"Yeah, it's because my mind works in a more complex way than yours." Taehyun states.

"Are you calling me dumb?"

"Noooo, why would I call you that?" Taehyun sarcastically asks.

"I don't know, why wouldn't you?" Beomgyu answers.

They both laugh.

"Ughh, I need a break." Beomgyu plops down on Taehyun's bed as the other sits on his desk chair.

"We should just finish tomorrow Beomgyu, it's not due till next week anyway.

He has a point.

"Yeah I agree."

Beomgyu's phone then buzzed twice on Taehyun's desk.

"Tae could you check who texted me?" He asks.

He looks at his phone and reads the name.

"It's your boyfriend." He says and tosses Beomgyu's phone on to the bed.

"His name is Soobin." Beomgyu corrects.

"Soobin, Beomgyu's boyfriend, same difference." Taehyun states as he rolls his eyes.

"Awww are you salty that you don't have a boyfriend?" Beomgyu teases.

No, why would I be salty?" He asks nonchalantly. "Who said I'm even gay?"

"I mean if I were in your shoes, I would just be the slightest bit upset that I wasn't in a relationship but my two best friends are...oh! I heard people use tinder! Maybe see if you could find someone on there!" Beomgyu suggests.

For as long as they've known each other, Taehyun has never had a crush.

"Beomgyu, I'm not looking for a boyfriend right now. I'm focusing on school and I can't waste my time with boys. And there are a bunch of weirdos and pedophiles on tinder, no thanks."

"Taehyun, you've been saying that since I first met you. Dude, if you're ace you can just tell me-"

"I'm not asexual hyung, why can't you just accept that I don't wanna date right now? We're only halfway through high school, do you know how much time I have to date?"

Beomgyu could see him begin to actually get mad, which isn't often.

"I was just trying to help get you with someone since you helped put me and Soobin together last year..." He looks down and stays quiet.

Taehyun quickly calms himself down.

"I know hyung." He sighs. "it's just...I can't date. I know it doesn't seem like it but I gravitate towards people too quickly. You can get your heart broken like that. That's why I only have two close friends, you and Soobin."

They sit in silence.

"I get it Taehyun. I'm sorry if I made you feel pressured to get a boyfriend, those weren't my intentions...but you're just gonna go as long as you can without dating because you're scared? He asks.

"Not necessarily. I'm just waiting for the right person." He answers simply.

He's always so wise and simple with his words. Beomgyu sometimes envied that.

"That's fair." He says. " I hope that happens soon." Beomgyu flashes him a smile.


End file.
